9 pm - Thursday. Worked all day, got groceries, picked up a pizza, have to go back up to the car to get the rest of the groceries and move my car. Long day.
Yesterday was one of those really crappy days. The kind you have to cry about as you're stuck in traffic, maybe sleep in the next day because it was just too much and then maybe write about it in a blog.
Cliches just don't cut it sometimes: be happy for each day, live each day to the fullest, don't worry, be happy! More like pull the covers over your head and make it go away.
Neither of us slept well Tuesday night. We each got about 3 hours of sleep. Mine was from working late, being wired. His is from --- I don't know. Pick a thing.... overactive brain? Anxious? You lie in bed, in the dark, surrounded by nothing but your thoughts.
Wednesday, Luther was going to work but decided to sleep in a bit. I left for work thinking he'd be off to his work in an hour or so.
My full time person didn't show up for work. She never called. It was going to be a busy day; I didn't have time to monkey around with this. I called her twice, texted her twice, no reply.
Fast forward about six hours and lots of confusing texts later, I was on the phone with my boss trying to figure out what to do with my associate when a call beeped in from a number I didn't recognize. I didn't take it. A few minutes later, I listened to the message. It was from Luther's boss wondering where he was.
What? It's 3:30 in the afternoon. Where is he? Why isn't he at work? Did he fall down and hurt himself? Is he dead? My emotions, my brain, were on overdrive.
There's a back story to my angst and anxiousness about losing this associate since it just happened just a few months ago - the exact same scenario: I lost a full time person who just never showed up. Generally I can go with the flow. It's retail and stuff happens. I have a good staff who will rally and help out. But this time - the first time someone didn't show up, it was hard and weird and stressful because my focus was on Luther. In October, we didn't have a diagnoses and were going through all the testing. Driving to Mayo, figuring out what was wrong with Luther, figuring out work...
Now, three months later, here we go again. This girl didn't show up, I flashed back to the weirdness in October and was trying to keep a lid on the freak-out I felt brewing. And then, and then.... and then I get a call from Luther's boss for god's sake wondering where he was.
The lid just about blew off but not quite yet. I called him and when he answered the phone, all chirpy and happy: "hey baby" - that's when my lid blew. I couldn't believe he was at home, just hanging out. It's too much to say without a care in the world but that crossed my mind. I get it. I get it! He's the one who's dying. But geez. My boyfriend didn't call his boss! And I'm dealing with the EXACT SAME thing at work. It was a surreal moment.
I was mad. Really mad. Mad that people are selfish and this disease is selfish and I can't be selfish. I'm mad that this associate didn't have the balls to pick up the phone and talk to me. I'm almost MORE mad that Luther did the exact same thing to his boss and thought it was ok.
Mostly, I'm just mad this disease can't give me a normal day.