I've been trying so hard to control everything that I end up controlling nothing. I've been on the proverbial hamster wheel and I'm always amazed when I end up in the exact same place I started.
So much of this illness leaves us in limbo. I suppose it's that way for every illness. It's a hard way to live. When do his legs go? When does he stop swallowing, talking? How do we prepare for that? When do we move?
What I've decided is to just stop. Stop thinking, stop worrying, stop micro managing. It doesn't mean I can't make wise choices or continue planning. But I can only plan for what I know. What I see happening. I'm going to leave the rest up to Luther and to the Vets Hospital.
I actually felt this huge sense of relief roll off me. I was at lunch today, thinking about this, sitting in a booth by myself and I started crying. It felt good to cry, to release this tension of the unknown.
I keep going back to the idea that each day should be a good one. A happy one. Not worrying about the what if, the sadness or scariness. We're so fortunate to have the support of friends and family and of the Vets.
I have the weekend off and am looking forward to hanging out with my guy.